It's a messy time. It's a messy chaotic time and we are all walking around trying to hold it together as a collective culture. How? In many ways it's through religions I would say. Re·li·gion noun: religion
the belief in and worship of a superhuman controlling power, especially a personal God or gods. A particular system of faith and worship.plural noun: religions. A pursuit or interest to which someone ascribes supreme importance.

We have people who say they have thrown of the shackles of religion. They don't believe in a God or Gods or Goddess or Goddesses. They believe in humanity perhaps, they believe in idealism, they believe in something, everyone does, whether they claim it or not. We as humans have to create a way of reasoning with how unreasonable life often is, and the only way we hold it together is our beliefs.

But we are truly in strange times, some would say exciting, messy times, where there is a big gab left by the governing principals that once held culture together. We use to have dominate religions in different parts of the world. And right or wrong there was an established way of living, and being that was considered the norm. Slowly, slowly, or quickly quickly (if you think how long these structures were in place compared to how quickly they are eroding) we find ourselves in a world with very little cohesive structure. And while this presents massive opportunity for change and transformation, it also feels sometimes like we are just free falling and spinning out as a collective.

A gap, a pause, is a powerful thing. It's in the gap and the pause, and the space of uncreation that anything is possible. We as a collective culture are in a time that is almost this. The pause before the inhale. So much is unraveling right now and we would be wise to honour the messiness of it and become students of mystery.

You can tear down a structure quickly and easily but it takes time to build something of value. We can be in the middle of the chaos right now and find immense power in simply watching the storm and knowing that we are welcome to wait. We can learn to wait on something deeper that calls us. We can work on being aware of our own thoughts and emotions, and understanding who and what we are. We don't need to fix the problems all around. We don't need to do anything, not from a place of trying to save the sinking ship. The ship needs to sink. It needs to be messy. But we might find more of what we need in the pause than in rushing to fill it.

What I see is a lot of people unconsciously filling the gap of the times with ideologies and new religions of all kinds with out even allowing the old structures to full dismantle or get a fond farewell. In doing so it's amazing how the new ideologies look far too much like the old ones with a new title slapped on.

​Today I am reflecting on how some types of communication can help create greater connection and healing between us, and some can distance us.

Our ability to heal is amplified when we can experience loving connections with others and learn from their experiences, and so this is a very important topic, in relation to deepening intimacy and creating the connection, trust and safety necessary for blissful sexual experiences! 

The ‘normal’ modes of communication of daily life in modern Western society can limit our potential for vulnerability, transparency and authenticity.
 
Consider how often in your life you have been asked “how are you?” and then think of how often you have answered truthfully. Oftentimes, "how are you"  is considered just a courtesy question, and that the only acceptable answer is “I’m good, I’m, fine, doing ok”…etc. If you are having a difficult day, or something truly difficult is going on and you answer this question truthfully many people will be thrown off guard! It's a great exercise though. Some people will surprise you with their genuine empathy, but many will fumble with a response and feel uncomfortable with an honest, perhaps emotionally loaded answer! 
 
Our society puts a big focus on being successful and achievement. Looks and material status are equated with happiness and worth.  Many people communicate and behave in ways which support those ideologies, both consciously and unconsciously.
 
There is nothing wrong with these values and goals at all, except for when they are at the forefront of our lives without the accompanying values of authenticity, spirituality,  interconnectivity, integrity, cooperation…etc 
 
I have read some wonderful stories and listened to lectures from indigenous peoples who are able to highlight this lack of spirituality and the lack of understanding about interconnectivity  permeates  modern western thought and behaviors. One example which stand out in my mind was Matin Pretchel, a Mayan Shaman, describing how westerners started putting him and his classmates through their schooling system and would make the children race. His classmates were unaccustomed to the idea of trying to beat each other and would always wait for each other and cross the finish line together! The teachers did not understand it. 
 
I love that. And it’s a good example of the different guiding values between two societies.
 
So how does this relate to 'I statements'? I think I statement are like the children crossing the finish line together, rather than everyone trying to beat each other across. 'I statements' encourage togetherness and a sense of  humbleness. When we share from our hearts with each other using 'I statements' were are simply inviting someone to share an experience with us. We may express a feeling, or a story from our past, or a thought about life in general. We frame it as our own experience. We do not assume that it is universal or that it must be accepted by the other person. We are simply offering a piece of our awareness.
 
It is a subtle change in language but can dramatically alter the effect of our self-expression.
 
Notice the effect you feel reading these two statements:
 
"I feel angry and hopeless after the election."
 
"People who voted for Trump are idiots who are responsible for the destruction of the planet."
 
When we can get to the core of what we are feeling and share that, rather than skipping over it and jumping into reactions, beliefs and judgments we, can create a bridge of understanding even while discussing triggering topics. Even if two people are sitting on different sides of an issue they are passionate about, through sharing our feelings and deeper inner experiences with each other it’s possible to find some common ground.
 
Here is another example:
 
"I was so sacred and worried last night when you got home late because I didn’t know where you were."
 
VS 

"You should have been home on time. You were so inconsiderate and irresponsible."
 
None of us are absolute authorities on truth and 'I statements' reflect that! As soon as we put ‘I’ at the beginning of  a statement we are owning that whatever follows comes from our own unique view point. We are not asserting that our thoughts or feelings are universal or need to be shared by anyone else. We are really just offering a piece of ourselves to others.
 
This does make it more vulnerable! Of course people can choose to disregard what we say, belittle us, or choose to assert their truth in a more dominating way. It does happen! Just because we use 'I statements' and get vulnerable does not mean we will be met in the same way.
 
But I can say this from many, many years of employing 'I statements', They can move mountains at times. They have the power to help others connect with our hearts, and feel our words without needing to put up walls and get defensive. Sometimes our regular forms of communication can really be fire for the fuel for arguments and conflicts!
 
'I Statements' are very worth exploring! If you want to take this one step further I would recommend the book Non-Violent Communication: A Language of Life by Marshall Rosenberg. Non- Violent Communication is the best tool I have found for creating more compassionate and harmonious communication and relationships. A true gem of a resource! 

Keep lovin', keep livin' and keep it real ;)

I have a question for you, what examples of the expression masculine and feminine behaviours did you grow up with?

What were your mom and dad like, or your primary care giver(s)? 

Did you witness love being expressed in your home life, emotionally? physically? verbally? Often or not? Gently? Passionately?

Did you see it between a man and a woman? Between men? Between women? What is the strongest memory of  intimate love you can remember growing up with? What is the scariest expression of pain, trauma, disconnect or violence that you can remember?
 
These reflections are important. Because somewhere in your early years (and even in your mother’s womb) you were collecting information about love. You were figuring out what it is, what is ok and what is not, how to get it, and how to avoid having it taken away. You were discovering and strategizing about ways that you could become more like your mom, or your dad or whoever you looked up to. And you were forming your associations with what it means to be both a male and a female in this physical world.
 
Ask yourself, what does it mean to be masculine? Try it. Write down whatever comes to mind. Now ask yourself, what does it mean to be feminine? Write down everything that comes to mind. Don’t try to filter any of the words. Draw pictures if you like. Write the names of songs or movies or characters that come to mind.
 
Finding this interesting yet? Has anything you wrote or remembered surprised you? I hope so, if it has that means you have learned something already.
 
Now let's try something just a bit different. I want you to ask your self what is the divine masculine? What does the divine masculine look like, feel like, sound like and act like in it’s most ‘perfect’ form. What is that to you?

Again write any words that come to your heart and mind, draw pictures, write song lyrics, list characters… go with whatever shows up. Don’t filter.

And you know what comes next. Consider what you think the divine feminine is. What does the divine feminine look like, feel like, sound like and act like in it’s most ‘perfect’ form. What is that to you?
 
Now I want you to compare the first lists of masculine and feminine traits with the second lists of divine masculine and feminine traits. Are there differences? Which list was easier to make? What jumps out at you after doing this exercise? Any ah-ha moments? Anything that surprised you most?
 
I did an exercise like this recently with a girlfriend of mine. We asked each other what the feminine was and listened to each other’s responses. Then we asked each other what the divine feminine was. I was shocked at how different my answers were based on the slight change in the wording of the question! What a shift. And I realized what had happened. I had tapped into first the idea of what feminine is in our very wounded culture and then I asked myself what it was in my heart, with out attachment to all the drama of the world. It was remarkable! I found I had in me an awareness of the wounded feminine I see and experience everyday in the world, but I also had in me an empowered divine feminine expression. 
 
This kind of reflection on the divine nature of both masculine and feminine expression and the degree to which this divine expression is missing in the world around us has been an important part of my training and healing in the art of sacred sexuality and Tantra.
 
Each one of us has within us these two important aspects of the divine- masculine and feminine. These are energetic qualities, not physical forms and they exist in The Divine and nature and everything that lives and breathes. We embody one physical form or another which tends to lead us to identify more strongly with either male or female, but ultimately we are always both.
 
It’s important and healing to explore what both of these aspects are because the more we do, the more we can connect with our source and connection to the creative flow of life all around us. The more we can identify our divine masculine and feminine aspects the more we can express our creative life force in the world, in our relationships and in our purpose. We become powerful and whole, and more than whole, we become interconnected back with the fabric of existence! We become expansive.
 
However, achieving this kind of expansion requires us to do some detective work. We must discover where we have anchored into our mind and hearts false beliefs, unhealthy models of what it means to be masculine and feminine. These false beliefs often stem from the models we had when we were young, and from the media, from its songs, and stories  which form a library of reference points in our consciousness.
 
As we identify the stories and references which are not healthy and not true to our ecstatic, empowered and loving creative nature, we can weed them out and stop nurturing them, stop growing them in our minds and our hearts. We can choose instead to start to focus on examples of the divine masculine and feminine we nurture the blissful life giving thoughts, attitudes and behaviors those archetypes offer us. We can get back to the flow of creation, we can start to live it and breathe and and bear its delicious fruits in our lives.
 
So here’s where you can start.
 
I have made a short list below of some traits for you to consider of the divine masculine and feminine. I have also outlined some of the unhealthy expressions we see in our world of the masculine and the wounded forms we see of the feminine. Take a look. Consider them. See how they line up (or don’t) with your own lists. And then start to notice the information you take in about these aspects of our existence. Notice the movies you watch, the relationships you see, the relationships you are in, and the memories and thoughts you carry. Seek out experiences, relationships and information which will help you realign with the divinity of masculine and feminine. Observe experiences and things which do not match those divine expressions with awareness. Cultivate your divinity. 
 
Divine Feminine 
Passionate
Able to express her emotions in truth and love
Comfortable in her body
Able to be vulnerable
Able to surrender
Nurturing
Abundant- source of endless creativity and life
 
Divine Masculine 
Patient
Compassionate Witness
Kind
Present
A servant of Peace
Loyal
Warrior 
​Protector
 
Wounded Feminine 
Disempowered
Overly dramatic
Controlling
Jealous
Dependant
Ashamed of her body
Needy
Manipulitive
 
Unhealthy Masculine
Distracted
Pushy
Impatient
Judgmental
Lazy
Dominant

There are also a couple GREAT books you can check out to dive deeper into Masculine and Feminine archetypes. These are from a psychological perspective not from a tantric perspective but the theories are complementary ;) 

King, Warrior, Magician, Lover- Rediscovering the archetypes of the mature masculine- By Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette

Goddesses in Every Woman- Powerful Archetypes in Woman's Lives- By Jean Shinoda Bolen M.D 


Women who Run with the Wolves

And a big nudge towards any of Jordan Peterson's Youtube Lectures on the subjects of masculinity!! 

​The word unconditional according to dictionary means - not subject to any conditions.  

Some synonyms are unrestricted; unlimited; absolute and unquestioning. The word love according to the dictionary has many varied meanings from an intense feeling of affection; deep romantic or sexual attraction; and a great interest or pleasure in something.

How the word is described in the meaning of love; appears to me to be an attachment or conditional. However, to me love is a state of being.

I consider love a state of being we come into the world with; lose somewhere along the way in our human journey and arrive back at through various life experience, challenges and trials and tribulations. 

Unconditional love is the hardest state to achieve over all.  It takes a true amount of faith in something greater than ourselves, as well as a lot of self-reflection and self-understanding. To me it means, standing in or own truth, often alone and uncomfortable.  

It is not just about putting others happiness before our own nor is it only existence when people are meeting our needs. 

Unconditional love is exemplified when everything seemingly goes wrong, when we make mistakes or say things we may not necessarily mean and the person is still there without judgement, or punishment.  They may not agree, however, there is a deep level of acceptance for our human flaws.

​I believe this can only be achieved once we love our self in this way.
​We cannot extend what we do not have or do not know. 

What has your experience been?  What do you think?